Removing the Cilice of the Mind

Three years ago, I went on a five-day silent meditation retreat at the Insight Meditation Society. This will be easy, I thought. After all, it was to be my fourth retreat. I know what’s going on inside my mind, I thought. Indeed. True, but not relevant, it turns out.

The silence began. My mind donned its familiar cilice, (a thorned hairshirt meant to cause pain with every move). Every one of my thoughts was followed by the sting of a harsh judgment.

Here’s an excerpt of my inner critic’s barbed commentary on retreat:

“So virtuous, the way he eats so slowly. Who does he think he’s fooling? How can you even think that? Just because you aren’t peaceful doesn’t mean other people aren’t. Stop criticizing. What kind of crappy person are you, judging him during a meditation retreat? This is exactly why you need this retreat and other people don’t. You are not a nice person. Am I supposed to be counting or saying the lovingkindness words? What are they again? My back hurts so much. I have to move. I shouldn’t move. I’m supposed to explore the nature of the pain. Burning. Sharp…”

It was exhausting to sit with my mind’s ceaseless chatter. On the fourth day my mind removed its cilice. Just like that, my inner critic retracted her spikes and lowered the volume. I heard the unfamiliar, gentle voice of my inner angel.